Friday, December 31, 2010

2010: My year in review (well at least the parts I can remember)

I have been thinking about this blog post for the last few days.  And I actually had some good stuff thought out to add, however, most of it has oozed out of my ear. I looked over my previous blog posts and I have fell short on my writing goals.  This is not a celebratory blog as I had hoped.  I was unable keep my thoughts straight long enough to complete a single piece of writing.  My summer assault has proven victorious in regards to my focus.  I have not lost hope though.  I hope to be creative and carefree in the new year.  And I hope to travel more often than not!  I think I will plan trips- day trips, long weekends, girlfriends' getaways, second and third honeymoons- after this reflection.  I am grateful to have a job where, although my days off rotate, I know my schedule for the year!  

So, my year in review (that I can remember)....  I had car problems for eleven of the twelve months in 2010. I had a few deaths, literally and figuratively, in my family.  I have endured a life-altering experience, I moved into an apartment complex for the first time in my life (and live above the "Catman" who I can hear snoring through the floor) and I work six days each week in a place that is the "anti-creative" space.  Not to say that I haven't had several WIP (works in progress) during this year but I have none that are completed.  I attempted to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) which is held during the month of November and I  wrote 132 words! Seriously SMH @ me!  I did, however, gain an addiction to Twitter over the last few weeks.  Overall, for me, 2010 was one continuous stressful event.

In 2011, I would like to accomplish several goals.  I would like to travel more (as stated above).  I would like to take a Gotham Writers' Workshop writing class. I would like to complete at least one short story, one novel, one song, a plethora of poetry, and NaNoWriMo.  I would like to live a healthier lifestyle.  And I would like to stress less.  I am sure that I'll be able to accomplish most, if not all, of these goals but first I have to allow myself a good cleansing (a cry... and maybe a colonic... IDK) and make the moves that I need to make to get where I want to be.

Oh, and I have to get this blog in order... its all over the place! I will happily take suggestions as to where/how to kick start my 2011....

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Live.Laugh.Love.

I've decided that the blogging prompts are wack! I write what I feel, when I feel.  So, needless to point out, I will not be using the blogging prompts.  I also will not be blogging everyday.  I don't have the energy, time, or the topics to blog about something everyday.  I am trying to develop my characters, research locations, and actually get the story out of my head.  So, that was my disclaimer now back to our regularly scheduled topic.

Live.Laugh.Love.  Those three words came to me, in that order, some time ago and I have it on my FB profile page.  Those words, in that order, mean something to me.  I have given myself permission to live, meaning be free, enjoy life and during my journey I should laugh hard and love harder.  All of this to say, today I watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love starring Julia Roberts.  It was a pretty good movie about finding yourself. In the movie, Liz (Julia's character), is a writer who travels to a few countries alone.  She is befriended by a woman in Italy and before you know it she's apart of an inner circle of friends/family.  Initially, my response is "Awww, that's so nice.  I wanna go to Italy and hang out with Italians." But after a while, I began to question if that type of thing happens in real life.  If I travel to Rome, will someone spark up a conversation with me that will lead to a life altering experience which includes developing long lasting relationships? I doubt it.  I'd probably get mugged (did I just use that word?) or something equally as demeaning.  I'd probably be stranded, lonely and cold (IDK why those two words always go together), without money or assistance.  I have to be positive, optimistic, right? WRONG! If I want to go on a life altering, soul cleansing journey which takes me to other countries I have to be realistic.  Safety first.  My inner circle thinks that I'm crazy because visiting Prague and Singapore, amongst other places to travel to,  are both on my bucketlist.  In short, this movie served as a reminder for me to first breathe.  Make sure you check it out.  Then we'll chit chat about it, k? Oh, BTW, live.laugh.love.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Writing prompt 12.08.10: What do you think happens after we die?

Actually, I try NOT to think about it because I think too much.  After we die, life goes on- for everything and everybody else.  I like  Alice Sebold's idea that we all experience our own version of heaven that may or may not overlap with other people's heavens.  Think happy thoughts, right?  Maybe it depends on how a person died.  In The Lovely Bones, Suzie Salmon (like the fish) was murdered at age 14 (I think) by a pedophile and most of her heaven was bright and fun. In the movie, What Dreams May Come, Robin Williams' wife committed suicide and she had to spend eternity in her own misery.  I know these are movies, made for entertainment purposes. In reality, my faith tells me that we all (humans) are imperfect and will spend time in the hellfire but the weight of your good deeds will determine how long your stay lasts.  So a person can be there for a millisecond or a trillion eons (or some other unfathomable amount of time).  So, to the question 'What do I think happens after we die?', I don't know- don't even have an Alice Sebold-style depiction, but I don't want to get to the upper room (death) without a scale heavy with good deeds.


Now, I tried this writing prompt thing... didn't really like this one so what I'll do is just pick and choose from all of the prompts available without paying attention to the dates. 


Tomorrow.... I will be better!


  

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Ok.... Confession

I usually don't look back through my blog because I haven't had much support from those closest to me so I had all but given up on believing I'd ever get responses or anymore followers. Well, after I realized I had a new follower I noticed that I had responses to a few posts. OMG! I am overjoyed that people are reading, responding, and able to relate. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I take my words seriously (most of the time) and it has been difficult to share in the past but you all are motivators and I continue will use my voice (write) because I know someone is listening (reading). Thank you again. Now off to bed for me! TTYL.

I found something else to ease the pain...

The pain I'm referring to is the emotional roller coaster that my mojo has me on.  Sometimes its here and we are in love and other times... well (sigh). I found (IDK how) a site that where people push to blog everyday.  I was just thinking about doing that on December 1st then today I stumble on this site: NaBloPoMo.com - National Blog Post Month.  They even give prompts! Now, my goal was to start with today's prompt then double up each day until I've used the prompts I missed since December 1st and remain up to date with the prompts.... but, I just looked at the time after realizing my eyes were getting heavy that its close to bedtime and I have to work in the morning. 4am wake up! Sooooo, I'll start tomorrow. Promise.

PS- I'd like to give a s/o to my new follower, Gordon.  Thanks. You just don't know how you've motivated me just by checking out my posts. There will be more, exciting posts! You'll see, you'll see! LOL! (Now I know I'm sleepy because I'm laughing out loud, literally, to my own horrible attempt at humor! HA! GN.)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Trying out write or die program.... wrote 390+ words in 15 minutes

How does this work? I don't know. What kind of person would purposely put themselves under this much pressure? I can't understand how a person can be creative under pressure. I think that's why I was unable to complete NaNoWriMo this year. I barely even started. Lost my mojo. See, I've been going through some things that has caused my mojo to run away and I'm currently looking to bring it back home. My life, I believe, is boring. Thus the difficulty with finding a topic worth writing about. (See this pressure is ridiculous. I just had a brain fart, couldn't remember how to spell a word, and lost time. UGGGHH!) I have all types of distractions like this Tweetdeck on my laptop. Tweets keep popping up while I type. But I can't not have it on because I think I'll miss something... so sad! Anyway, I work in a prison and decided to try to write a story involving (drum roll please...) working in a prison. Why? I want to scream at the lackluster topic that I chose. But I chose it nonetheless. I started writing an outline. I think it would actually be a pretty good story if I wasn't so unenthusiastic about the topic. So here's the storyline: The wife of a wrongly convicted construction company owner is a corrections officer at the prison he is sent to and she has to keep their marriage e a secret to keep her job while trying to get a lawyer to get his conviction overturned, keep his company afloat, keep their household together, keep her vows, and hold on to her sanity. I don't know what I will do with this storyline but I was instantly bored with it. I can't take my laptop to work and writing on small notepads are very tedious! Oh wow! I went over my word goal with time to spare. Guess this thing does work. Now to schedule writing time everyday..... mission impossible? We will see....

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Flowers for Reggie

Yesterday was a bit surreal as I stood by Reggie's grave site, with my family, awaiting my turn to offer a flower for him. I held a red rose that I would smell from time to time as I waited and my mind wandered. We have to stop meeting like this. There is definitely a better way to have family come together. I didn't know Reggie very well but modern technology helped us to get just a little closer. It would have been great to get to know each other better. I did what most of us do, I assumed there would be time. I looked forward to the holidays and the talks of a Summer 2011 family reunion to spend time with those who are also a part of my bloodline. But we never know when we will run out of time. A close friend of Reggie's spoke at his funeral and her words were simple yet profound: Stop texting. Pick up the phone and call someone. Wow, this world has really changed. The pace is getting faster and faster and we are growing further and further away from the human connection.

I remember the feeling of excitement as I pulled on my Tate Family Reunion t-shirt. I remember the feeling of being a part of something big and something great. I looked forward to spending time in the park with my family from different parts of the country. We played games, we laughed, we ate, we danced and we were one unit: white t-shirts with green lettering and a green tree on the front signifying our unity. But yesterday I did not feel any of that. It was crazy to have my great uncle look at me as if I was a leper, stiffening in my embrace. "I'm Chi-Wee's daughter," I said as moved as far away from him as he wanted me to be. We are separate now, no longer a unit. The two matriarchs of the Tate Family lay in an unmarked grave just a few feet behind where I stood holding a rose for Reggie. Five years later and our family has scattered so much so that we have left them without a marker.

I fell in line with family I have never known to offer a rose. I smelled it one last time and thought, "I would like to receive flowers while I can still smell them." I offered my rose to Reggie and a prayer to follow him on the next part of his journey.

Maybe Reggie's time here was meant to brighten as many lives as possible and to bring us back together. We'll never know but what is prominent here is time is not on our side. I don't want to bring flowers for someone else who can no longer appreciate them. The flowers that I bring or are brought to me, I would like them sitting on a table between me and the person (or people) that I am spending quality time with and getting to know better.

My favorites are Calla Lilies.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

Seven

I've heard that seven is a special number. God created and on the seventh day he rested. Seven days in a week. Seven years for bad credit to disappear.... My question is: Does lucky number seven also apply to heartache? Its been seven years since someone did something really hurtful, lifechangingly so, (btw its a word because I said it!) and my question has to do with healing time. Its rhetorical, I guess. We all know how long we need to "get over it" but if it takes as long as seven years, does it *poof* disappear? Just random thoughts. I have them sometimes. It burns me up that people do hurtful, harmful things to others and nothing happens to them. Its not okay to change someone's life without their permission. I know this is the wrong place for this but... in a way it does have to do with my writing. I am emotional. July 9th. Cancer. Most of my actions, reactions, or inactions are emotionally charged. Everything is effected including my writing. I don't feel that electric current flowing from my heart to my pen as strongly. I used to. And just when I thought my wires were changed and ready for the full current to flow through once again, I get hit with the "Summer Assault" and recovery is not looking good. The forecast for my writing, for my life is partly cloudy with a chance of showers. The sunshine does peak through every now and then but... I'm having trouble writing this blog so how do I move the clouds enough to write a novel in a month? November is national novel writing month. Tomorrow is the first of November and I do not have a clue what I'm going to write about... for each day of this month. I hope it doesn't take seven more years to get it together.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Open Mic...Untitled

Well, the poetry event has come and gone. It went well.... but i wanted better. It was a learning experience that my friend, the teacher, had to remind me of. So next time it can get better....and it will! Another friend pointed out that I should at least read one of my poems during my poetry event! But OMG it is scary on that stage under those lights and the eyes of the crowd! I'm taking the advice under consideration and I've been looking through some old journals reading old poems and trying to find inspiration to write new ones. Here's an oldie I've been keeping to myself:
03.07.07.
Love is a selfish emotion.
I love you. So much so that sometimes I want to be you.
I want to feel how it feels to be in your skin.
To have your blood flow thro ugh my veins.
I want to feel your experiences and cry your tears.
I want to hurt when you hurt and smile your smile.
Love is a selfish emotion.
I love you.

Well, we'll see if I can get on that stage on November 17th....

Saturday, October 9, 2010

NaNoWriMo

So I've decided to try my hand at writing a novel in a month. November is National Novel Writing Month and I've decided. I will try this. Its a boost to get the creative juices flowing. I will be elated to actually finish something, anything. Its nice when the something is worth reading so I hope I do a good job. The challenge is to complete a 50,000+ word novel between November 1st and November 30th. Now if I could just figure out what to write about...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Is this thing on?

I am so excited! I'm charged with being the front runner on putting this event together. I love words! I know, I know. No one can tell I love words because my blog is so sparse, my novel has not been published, and only those close to me are given the opportunity to read any of my writing. But, I do, I love them! So, I'm working (with help of course) on making this show a success. I hope that people will be lined around the corner to share this evening with me. Ok, a little too optimistic but can you blame me? I love words! Philadelphia... "concrete jungle where dreams are made of" too!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

the g.o.a.t.

A coworker challenged me to write a poem today at work giving me two hours to produce something... here is it:

On my journey
we cross paths
at my crossroads
you take my arm
guide me, help me to see
Confident confidant
full of strength and ease
No pressure, no pain
Just pleasure in your presence
And cool breeze
And jasmine
And sunlight

I, of course, had time to spare. I gave my coworker a copy and a minute later started to worry about sharing my writing with my work world. I'll get over it- I guess.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Baby Steps

I don't know about you but I feel overly protective of my writing. My words are personal. They are my babies. Everyone is not worthy. I know, I know they're just words. But they're my words, personal, meaningful- to me, at least. I've found difficulty over the years in sharing my writing with others. I would make sure my high school English teacher would return my assignments, poetry and prose-even essays. Unfortunately, I was not able to have all of my writing returned to me (at that time 3 1/2 inch floppys were still fairly new). My high school English teacher passed away, her work, her life unfinished. She was tough as nails but I later appreciated her style. Although I benefited from her teachings, I was also scarred by her death. She lost her life and I lost my words- and my nerve. I hope I don't sound trivial but I'll never get them back, or her guidance. Well, recently I've been trying to let go of my fears. I'm taking baby steps. A few weeks ago I conducted a phone interview for my friend's entertainment website. It took two weeks for me to push send. I typed the interview, edited it. Edited it again. Contacted the interviewee to "check facts." Edited it again. I finally emailed it three days ago and I avoided my friend for a day and a half for fear of his virtual red pen. My friend, the middle school teacher. When I finally spoke with him, via telephone, I covered my eyes with my hands as if I were watching a scary movie and asked, "So... what did you think of the article?" I held my breathe. "Very good." Two words and I was able to breathe again. Those two words mean so much more coming from a teacher. Phew, I thought, glad he didn't have to pull out the red pen AND the ruler.

My baby steps did not land me flat on my face but I am by no means ready to full out sprint. So please, check out my first "very good" article to be published. It should be posted by Friday (9.3.10). Go to BlastForMeTV.net to read it. Enjoy!

(Oh and after you read it come back and post your comments here! Thanks!)

Monday, August 2, 2010

Skateforlife

Skate for Life

So, yesterday I went roller skating with a friend. I haven't been on roller skates in several years so needless to say I was a little rusty. Thankfully, we arrived early, before the expert crowd, so I was able to go around the rink a few times. I am very proud to say that I did not fall! I watched as the regulars poured in and that was my que to exit stage left... I rolled to the bench and watched from the sidelines. I don't mind watching, you can learn a great deal.

As the experts, the "black-skate people" (I call them that because all of the good skaters wear black skates- ok, some wear white but the point is they all own their skates and wouldn't be caught dead in brown rental skates like the ones I had been sporting), whizzed by me in trains or couples or solo- forward, backward- doing tricks and dance routines. I could feel the energy... and the cool breeze they stirred up with their speed. I looked at their faces and saw happiness, sheer carefree enjoyment flowing, mixing with the sweat that covered their faces and backs. Of course the nerd in me said, "Wow, those endorphins sure did kick in... must be the most awesome feeling!" Only MY nerd would come out at a roller skating rink! Anyway, I noticed the variety of people whizzing by and thought that many of these people, probably, would not regularly hang out together but the love of skating and the skill involved had brought all of these different people together. Young people, ummm- mature people, tall people, short people, thin people, not-so-thin people, attractive people, people with nice personalities....it didn't matter who you were or what you look like, all that mattered were the skills you have and the beat you could catch. I saw a guy skate by a few hundred times who I could easily picture in a suit and tie, he was very "clean cut." I saw moms and daughters skating together, in sync. There was a guy on the floor who appeared to be absolutely crazy but in that space and time he belonged- and had major skills! I saw an old pimp... he had to be because what man still has a process with hair past his shoulders? An old pimp!

But seriously, in looking at the contented faces of all of the different people I thought, "This is the answer! Roller skating can be the glue of camaraderie that we need to improve our circumstances." I know, I know, optimistic, idealistic, unrealistic... but a girl can dream, right? Skate for life- no one is fighting, everyone is healthy, energetic, smiling, talking, laughing, helping, playing... taking a few hours to enjoy the simplest thing- going around in circles, to music, on boots with wheels on a smooth surface, high on life from within. Can life be any simpler?

Can't we all just skate in sync?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

August 1, 2010

Reality came and slapped me across the face with its pimp hand today. I am curious to see how reality's assault will effect my writing. I have been working on one of my many short stories lately but I wonder if I'll be able to focus long enough to see this piece through. My goal had been to have it completed and edited by the end of the year... only God knows if that'll happen. I'll have to remind myself of a few things, one of which is to breath, and another- to blog on December 31, 2010. Hopefully it will be a celebratory tale that I can toast to- the completion of a piece of writing, the healing of my face, heart, and ego from today's "Summer Assault", and a positive outlook for the year to come.
I'm sort of at a loss for words at the moment, hopefully its a temporary brain fart... (excuse me.)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

...go ride a bike....

I WROTE THE FOLLOWING WHILE AT WORK ON 3.17.10 APPROX 1543:
So, I'm at work and I'm going through phone/internet withdrawl. I do have to admit that the feel of this pen in my hand, writing on this paper is like none other. My first loves: pen/pencil and paper. They will always have a special place in my heart but the overstimulation of the times have me shaking like a heroin addict. C'mon, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? Seriously, think about it: What happens if you leave your cell phone at home? (Disclaimer: My cell phone has internet capabilities and word processing programs) What's your reaction to it? What do you do? How do you feel? My response is pouting sometimes, plotting at others. Maybe I can go back and get it and still make it to work, my appointment, etc, on time.... I get this sinking feeling in my belly. I feel like I'm missing a limb. My thumbs move involuntarily over a phantome keyboard. And as soon as I get back to it, what do I do? I immediately check for missed calls, voicemail messages, and text messages.... then I post on my Facebook page how I left my phone home! Oh! And don't let there be a problem with my internet connection, my desktop computer, my laptop computer, my cable/satellite TV, or my DVR (ditigal video recorder) box! Damn all to hell if Grey's Anatomy does not record or worse- someone erases it! What do you think my response is if my Grey's Anatomy recording is interferred with? I yell, curse, stomp- basically have a temper tantrum. Then I realize I can watch free episodes online so I grab my laptop, impatiently log in and voila! I am instantly pacified. Its funny. But then again its not. I can recognize these things within myself, articulate them, and make changes in my life but what about our overstimulated children who do not have the capacity to recognize what is going on with them, articulate it and make changes? I know we all see it and are sometimes at fault for perpetuating the issue. Our children have cell phones at ten years old, handheld video games, high priced video game consoles, flat screen televisions in their bedrooms equipped with cable/satellite, and of course they have computers with internet connection. They even have DVDs especially for infants! Now, don't get me wrong, I think all of these luxaries and sometimes necessities are fine- in moderation. But its gotten to the point where our children are overweight, they grunt about doing anything physical, or even going outside any longer than it takes to get into the car and buckle up. When I was young, having to stay in the house was a punishment now going outside is punishment! What the -? Ok. I wrote all of that to convey that: I recognize I may have a problem and maybe more adults should recognize their own and their children's..... and go ride a bike!

I started down this path because I wanted to post a blog but cannot have my phone or laptop at work (nor do I have access to a computer with internet connection). I wanted to write about writing, possibly post some of my work ( I think I may start with a short poem) and transcribe the story I wrote at work (that's still in progress) onto my laptop. Wow! Overstimulation has my mind all over the place. I think, tomorrow before work, I'll take a bike ride. Now, if I can just locate my bike.....

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Yup! In the way....

I have a headache. I've been having headaches for some time now. I went to the doctor's today and she told me what I already knew: take your meds daily and stay hydrated. Headaches from high blood pressure will steer your focus from writing no matter how deep your desire. I keep telling myself that I must stay healthy... healthy body, healthy creative mind, right? Well, if my pressure is sky high, no creative flow for me. The stress doesn't help either. All I'm saying is, "I'm working on it." Every little bit counts. So if baby steps are what I have to take then baby steps there will be! Speaking of baby steps, I just had a thought: maybe I'll share some of my writing in my next blog..... who knows? Baby steps, Nee Nee, baby steps.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I had an epiphany: I'm in the way!

Many days, I often feel an emptiness in my soul. I am not where I want to be. Since I can remember I've wanted to put my thoughts and observations into the universe, to share them with the world. My earliest memory of having a creative bug was around age six. I used to make up songs. Of course they were limited to the mind of a six year old but they belonged to me. I started drawing when I was around the same age. I would ask my mom to bring me "drawing paper" home from her work. It was actually printer paper but to me it was for drawing. I would look at an object and copy it, perfectly in my mind, onto the paper. As I grew, life got in the way. When I was eight, my parents seperated and my songs changed, my writing changed but it did not stop. The desire to put my thoughts and observations into the universe stregthened within me. But there was something different. I put my words on paper but I had developed a fear of sharing those words. That fear has morphed into the current stagnation I find myself in. I am in my own way. Right now I have about five to six pending projects and the thought of sharing my work causes hives to appear on my cheeks. Yet, I still have the burning desire to have my work published. Dilemmas. I have also wanted for a very long time to show people the world through my eyes via still pictures: Photography. But, I have yet to invest in a quality camera or classes for that matter. Life happens. It sometimes gets in the way. The true statement is that we get in our own way in life. So, how do I get out of my own way? Dilemmas.